I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
