I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
