Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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