Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
The power of my boobs compel you
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
