Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i would punch a child for taco bell
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"