we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
