So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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