peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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