walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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