I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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