Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
