Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
