8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
