So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
