Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Please, let me fuck your mom
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
