i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
