I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
