I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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