I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
