.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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