Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
