Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
barbara walters just said penis...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
