Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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