u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
