i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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