someone threw a dead crab at me
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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