I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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