I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
