so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
