wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I believe in your delicious
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
