sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Found the puke drawer
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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