It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
