I hate your face
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
