I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
