Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
