omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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