I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
