In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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