at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
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I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
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Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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