I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
