There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
