I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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