I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
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I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
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The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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