I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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