Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
