she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Everyone says I win the strip club
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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