I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
