nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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