i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
