The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
