You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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