I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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