the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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