good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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