Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
