I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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