dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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