I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
