I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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