I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
