you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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