Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
