Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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